The Mambodelphia Medical Handbook of Common Salsa Ailments
By Will Pagán
INTRODUCTION
The road to developing yourself as a salsa dancer is undoubtedly one that takes dedication to adhere to. Along the way, a dancer can easily become afflicted by some very common ailments that, if left untreated, can nullify even the most fervent attempts at greatness. As such, here is a guide to these common ailments so that should you discover that you or someone close to you has contracted a salsa ailment, immediate help can be sought. Alas, the struggle to avoid the chewy chunks of salsa mediocrity is an arduous one, but the struggle is necessary in order to obtain total salsa creaminess. Armed with this handbook, however, you should be well equipped to identify the ailments that hinder your progress as a dancer.
COMMON AILMENTS
Uniturner Syndrome (Alwaysturnicus Leftorrightus)
Marionette Syndrome (Limpiticus Nontensionhavicus)
Stoicitis
Flying Salsero Disease (Salserus Acrobaticus)
Autobiographer Disease (Selfportricitis)
Compulsive Instruction Disorder (C.I.D. or Instructus Amateurus)
Androgenistic Decay Disorder (A.D.D. or Ambiguitous Sexualicus)
Salsa Mobility Disfunction (Rigidicus Rigamortus)
UNITURNER SYNDROME (ALWAYSTURNICUS LEFTORRIGHTICUS)
Uniturner syndrome (Alwaysturnicus Leftorrighticus) is an all-too common disease that develops when not enough practice is given to turning/spinning in both directions, resulting in lop-sided dancing. Unfortunately, the only way to correct this problem is through a regimen of spin drilling. If you are suffering from this affliction, please contact Mambodelphia and we will put you on regimen of corrective drills to restore you to ambiturner status.
MARIONETTE SYNDROME (LIMPITICUS NONTENSIONHAVICUS)
Marionette Syndrome (Limpiticus Nontensionhavicus) is an extraordinary problem that seems to be on the rise as of late, striking mostly women, everywhere across the country. Infection results in 80 and sometimes up to 90 percent loss in optimal arm and body tension. If, during your dancing, your wrist, arm and shoulder ever create a perfectly or almost perfectly straight line when connected to your partner, there is a good chance that you are already a victim of this terrible disease. With proper treatment, however, Limpiticus Nontensionhavicus is completely curable. Many patients have been completely restored to optimal tension levels. Please contact Mambodelphia immediately if you think that you may be suffering from this ailment. If my diagnosis returns a positive match for Marionette Syndrome, we will start you immediately on recuperative therapy composed of tension building exercises and drills.
STOICITIS
A common problem that begins affecting dancers as they approach the Intermediate level. Stoicitis is usually to blame for dancers that perpetually concentrate so hard on their dancing that they temporarily forget how to operate their face. Unfortunately, this problem is only aggravated by many teaching methodologies that emphasize quantity over quality. If you or a loved one is suffering from Stoicitis, please contact Mambodelphia and we will begin a recuperation program that draws attention away from the 20-part turn pattern you are trying to recall and focuses more on your execution technique.
FLYING SALSERO DISEASE (SALSERUS ACROBATICUS)
This affliction is often picked up by dancers of Intermediate level and under that are not properly immunized against Salserus Acrobaticus and visit the West Coast of the United States. This disease causes hallucinogenic effects that cause the dancer to believe that a death drop into a neck drop into a leg lift into a back walkover into a triple gainer with a one and a half twist is an acceptable turn pattern in social dance settings. If you, or anyone you know, has been infected by Flying Salsero Disease, please contact Mambodelphia immediately and we will work to instill in the affected party a greater appreciation of the subtle differences between dancing and acrobatics, and between social dancing and performing, for example.
AUTOBIOGRAPHER’S DISEASE (SELFPORTRICITIS)
As dancers hit the Intermediate level and begin getting more confident in their dancing, they often become more preoccupied in showing that they have cleared the hurdle of mediocrity than in paying attention to the music, their partner, etc. Dancers with this syndrome attempt to tell the entire story of their training within the span of each dance. Unfortunately, the story is, at best, a poor and rushed portrayal only loosely tied to the music that is being played, resulting in dancing that looks and feels inappropriate. If you have contracted Selfportricitis, please contact Mambodelphia immediately and we will begin training you in how to vary your styling and move set to adapt to the environment of each dance, thereby making you a more complete dancer.
COMPULSIVE INSTRUCTION DISORDER (C.I.D. OR INSTRUCTUS AMATEURUS)
Compulsive Instruction Disorder (a.k.a. C.I.D. or Instructus Amateurus) is a particularly obnoxious one. It usually strikes dancers that have just had private, workshop or any other form of concentrated instruction. The result is that the dancer is transformed into Dr. Sal S. Amambo, an evil salsa scientist that bastardizes the teachings of qualified instructors by force feeding others with what they have learned in inappropriate social settings. The true victims of this syndrome are the unfortunate partners of these evil salseros as they are forced to relearn their cross body leads, wrap-arounds, etc. or are forcibly exposed to moves beyond their skill level in the middle of the dance floor at their favorite club. The only cure for this is rigorous instruction on proper salsa ettiquite, coupled with a slice of humble pie from a qualified instructor. If you, or someone you know, has contracted C.I.D., contact Mambodelphia immediately and we will begin you on ettiquitte-based coursework in conjunction with an immediate breakdown of where your technique needs work so that your focus returns to improving your own dancing and not the dancing of others.
ANDROGENISTIC DECAY DISORDER (A.D.D. or AMBIGUITOUS SEXUALICUS)
Androgenistic Decay Disorder (a.k.a. A.D.D. or Ambiguitous Sexualicus) is a dangerous affliction that will typically only begin to affect male dancers as they get to the high Intermediate levels and start flirting with the Advanced level. This syndrome seems to also be aggravated if the dancer is a performer. Studies have shown that the attention that one gets on stage often times leads dancers to seek flamboyancy in their social dancing in order to obtain that same level of attention socially. This flamboyancy can lead to femininity which can then, ultimately and unfortunately lead to androdgeny. Symptoms include a change in style of dress for tighter and flashier clothing, for example. While some would say that the best cure for this syndrome is a firm slap, depending on the severity of the disease’s progression this could actually result in worsening the problem. This affliction is not easy to cure. Often times, one has to merely settle for halting the progress of the disease rather than curing it. Contact Mambodelphia immediately if you require assistance in combating this problem. we can immediate begin the afflicted on style, form and technique training that will draw them away from progressing down this path. This disease often times requires a strong support system. Encouragement from friends, family and fellow dancers is invaluable. There is life after Ambiguitous Sexualicus…
SALSA MOBILITY DISFUNCTION – (RIGIDICUS RIGAMORTUS)
Salsa Mobility Disfunction is a common problem that typically affects dancers at an Intermediate or lower level and often times affects dancers that have been classically trained in other dance forms. Symptoms during dancing can include an overly rigid gait / frame / posture or the head being compulsively inclined above eye level resulting in eyes that excessively look down at their partners from the bottom half of their vision. If you or someone close to you has Rigidicus Rigamortus, please contact Mambodelphia and we will place the afflicted party on a recovery roadmap involving thorough form, posture and style education.
